It was your 60th birthday and we had a little party for you. Nothing big, just mom, Jenny, Brian, Hailey, and I. Hailey and I decorated the house for you and surprised you after work. We ate dinner, had some cake. You weren't feeling the best and weren't very hungry but we had no idea that cancer was already taking its toll on your body. We had no idea.
It was right after your birthday that you went in for some tests. And then some more tests. And then we got a phone call. And you went back for another test. And then another phone call. And some devastating news. I remember every day of this past year exactly. I remember standing there in the kitchen when the doctor called mom. Watching her face for any sign of good news. Hoping, wishing, praying that it wasn't what we all thought it was, knew it was.
This last year, starting and ending with your birthday has been a time-warp. On one hand I can't believe it's been a whole year. It went by so, so fast. It was if you were here and gone with a blink of an eye. I guess when your time is limited, every second, every minute, every day goes by a little faster than you want. So many times I just wanted to pause time and hang there for a minute. On the other hand, I can't believe its only been a year. It's only been six months since the funeral. It feels like it's already been an eternity. Only one year ago you were my perfectly healthy (so we all thought), happy, normal dad, walking around, going to work. It feels like decades have passed since that guy was around.
This last year hasn't been easy but we have made it so far. Writing this today is no easier than the first couple of posts. I miss you just as much today as I do then. It sounds cliche, but there really isn't an hour at goes by that you don't cross my mind. Everything reminds me of you somehow. Thankfully, most of the time it just brings a smile to my face but Sometimes, in the most random of times, it will hit me and I'll miss you more than ever. I totaled my car a couple of weeks ago. It was the first time in a long time I just wanted you there. I wanted to call you and just have you take care of everything like you always did. I wanted you to yell at me for not getting my brakes fixed when they started to make noise. I just wanted you to tell me that it was going to be okay.
Your absence is felt everywhere. I hear that from a lot of people. Things are just not the same with out you here. I went to the gun show and saw some of your guys. I've ran into some guys from the Sheriffs office. They said the same thing. They just miss you. Everybody does. It is just a testament to how many people here loved, valued, and enjoyed your presence in their lives.
I'll be missing you a lot today and reflecting on this last trip around the sun that I've made.
Happy birthday Papa.
Miss you lots, love you more.
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